november reflection

the month came and passed like just any other old 30-some day measurement of time. i was originally looking forward to the fall season as a breath of uncluttered air and a taste of the scent of apple cider. whether by good luck or misfortune, the 30 days arrived and went just as soon as the former. it's a bittersweet feeling, much like the canned jelly we so gluttonously take part in hogging down to give thanks to stolen land. i was not only in multiple and untraceable geographical states during this week-long slumber, but also in an even more insufferable amount of states of mind. like any other old twelfth of the year, my mood shifted tenfold in what seemed to me to be every 24 hour period. some may call this insanity, or even better, generalized mental illness and leave it at that; much like their indefinite leave of absence from my acquaintanceship. however, i tell it to myself to be psychosis, which via www.nhs.uk is "when people lose some contact with reality... This might involve seeing or hearing things that other people cannot see or hear (hallucinations) and believing things that are not actually true (delusions)." not only some contact has been lost within this short month, but almost all physical grasp with the real world has slipped away into an unsearchable oblivion of quartets and rhymes. i made some new friends this month, luckily, but not the kind you might think. hallucinations are only as stable as the brain in which they exist. voices are only so comforting when they own a name or a face. the only truth to me lies in the things i see and hear as my own self; not as a news agency informs me to see or as the love a pity statement fails to land. as someone who relies on dependency and hugs to just simply get-by, the absence of such has dug me a hole that i cannot seem to find an escape root out of. my arteries have been blocked, my ambrosia has since gone, and there really is nowhere (or rather, no one) to confide in but the cavity in my skull that got my psyche into this whole debacle in the first place.

on a lighter note, at least i have transcribed stories, tales, and whats-its-name's prophecies on paper to refer to in times of distraught. i'll be okay, i'm sure of it. after all, the days of not surviving through winter have since long ago past (much like november), and in a world of greedy amenities and privileges, i'm sure to survive the bitter frostbite of loneliness and self-destruction.

after all, the only way to go from absolute rock bottom is up; right?...